Tuesday, 09 September 2008

• The thoughts on forgiveness

  There's a lovely thunderstorm right now.  Hence me being up before 5:00 AM.  My mind was reeling with ideas, so I had two choices: 1) lie in bed and mull them over, or 2) get on up and mull them over here.  I chose get up.  We'll see later today if that was a good choice.
  
  Thank you to those of you who replied with thoughts about forgiveness in my previous post.  I've been thinking about this since we had a fabulous Sunday School lesson on the topic Sunday morning.  Many of the ideas here have been heavily influenced by what Lisa Marino wrote in LifeTruths.
  
  In the past, my working definition of forgiveness has been to  decide personally that I am not going to hold the offense against the offender.  I knew that was accomplished when I could interact with that person (or see her or think about her) without anger or hurt rearing up.  Part of my process was to catch myself when that anger or hurt did resurface, and chose again to let it go.  I've felt unsuccessful at forgiveness when I am unable to think about the person outside of the context of the offense, unable to "forget" the wrong that was done.  I've felt unforgiving if I remained very pained by the hurt I had suffered. 
  
  Some of your definitions of forgiveness were similar:
  

  • "being able to relate to them as if it had not happened."
  • "Not seeing the offense when  you look at the person, or think of them."
  • "a choosing to *behave* toward the offender as if it had never happened, regardless of how I may still be feeling."
  • "the daily struggle of actually letting go, of treating that other person as if nothing every happened between us, of letting God really change my heart until I don't think of the event every time I think of the person."
  • "Ideally, it [forgiveness] would be accompanied by being able to forget the offense but that is not always possible so our perspective on the offense has to change."
  • "Letting go of the hurt and treating the other person as if the offense never happened."

  I'm not saying we are wrong in this definition.  I think it's noble to strive towards these kinds of relationships.  But what about times when the hurt is very deep?  When the offender has not even asked forgiveness?  When the offender is a repeat offender who wounds and wounds and wounds others?  Does that change how we see forgiveness?
  
  We talked about all of this in the context of Jesus' parable of the unforgiving servant.  A few key ideas stood out in this study.  In my life, as I apply this lesson, I need to focus on what forgiveness really is. 
  
  First, forgiveness is releasing the offender from the obligation of making it up to me.  I really, really, really like it when the person who has hurt me like, as an example --as this *never* happens in real life-- my husband makes it up to me.  Not just says he's sorry, but fixes the wrong.  Or compensates for it.  I expect this especially with people I am close with.  I insist on it.  If it doesn't happen, I have a hard time moving past the offense.  Not really very forgiving.  I need to drop my demands.  I need to offer release from that obligation.
  
  Secondly, forgiveness is trusting God to handle the offender appropriately and removing myself as the punisher.  Again, using the *hypothetical* marriage illustration, I am often quite tempted to inflict a little pain right back on DeWayne if he hurts me.  A little silent treatment.  A few dirty glances.  A guilt trip.  Some stomping around and visible stewing.  Sometimes I choose that path AFTER deciding to forgive.  It's as if I doubt God will make him suffer a bit of what I suffered.  It's not the way it should be.  And 99% of the time, I'm the only one who gets "punished" by my immature little displays.
  
  Thirdly, forgiveness does not mean we must forget.  The king did not forget how much the servant had owed him, the size of the debt he had forgiven.  He just didn't demand repayment.  It is foolish to rush back into a relationship where trust has been seriously broken.  God may restore that relationship, and that is indeed a cause for celebration.  But sometimes He moves us on.  We live in a fallen world, with hurting, broken people.  People who try to hurt and break us.  While I believe we are called to see them as the dearly loved creation of the Almighty God, I don't think that means we have to be completely vulnerable to every person we meet.  We don't have to demand they make the offense up to us, but we don't have to go back into the same level of interaction where we are likely to be wounded again.
  
  Along this line, I don't think we have to be beyond all the pain and anger to forgive.  I love this quote from our lesson on Sunday:
  

  Forgiveness is not an emotion, but the mental and spiritual transaction of releasing the offender.  Justifiable anger and sorrow may result for a long time following betrayal or abuse.  God doesn't require us to be robots, but to harness our emotions under the Spirit's control.
  
  

  Finally, as many of you pointed out, forgiveness must be offered in context of the Christ's amazing forgiveness of us.  This parable is quite clear on that point.  We have been forgiven greatly.  Massively.  Unmeasurably.  To hold a grudge against another for a single wrong, no matter how heinous we judge that wrong to be, is as ridiculous as the servant in this story.
  
  I have revised my definition of forgiveness a bit, not to a definition that eases the expectations, but to one that is reflective of the truth of the Scriptures as I understand them right now.  Thank you, Holy Spirit, for bringing this to my attention and for waking me up early to get it written down!
  
  
  
  

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